HOW TO DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A MILLENNIAL
A HUMOROUS, Flash Fiction, How-To Guide
If you are a Boomer or Gen X, you live in a new age filled with possibilities and peril. As with any thriving member of the species, knowledge and preparation are key to your survival. Millennials are the largest generational cohort, and non-Millennials or “underperforming” Millennials must adapt in order to remain relevant.
First, focus on your verbal disguise. Educate yourself on the use of hashtags. Hashtags (not pound signs or number signs!!) are used to underscore something important in a conversation. If something is noteworthy to you, use a hashtag to telegraph its criticality to others. This technique applies to both written and spoken dialogue. Successful use of this paralanguage will solidify your social relevance within the Millennial tribe (#alwayswinning) while simultaneously ostracizing older cohorts (#okboomer #genxonlykindofgetsit).
You may turn any phrase into a hashtag (#momsmellslikehashbrowns), and you may string together a series of hashtags—conceptual coherence is not a requirement (#sweatyfeet #loveyourself #paperclipsrule). Another common use is a series of devolving thoughts (#thereisnothingtolivefor #ooohpancakes #purpleistheloneliestcolor). Once you get the hang of it, you might even start a movement termed “trending.” This concept is considered intermediate material and can be found in Lesson 2: Popularity - Death By a Thousand Cuts.
The second technique for believing and achieving within the Millennial habitat is the art of technological multitasking. This is a mandatory skill for your disguise, particularly in social settings. For example, if you’re at a restaurant, be sure to take pictures of your food as soon as it arrives. Immediately post your pictures on appropriate social media platforms (Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) leveraging previously noted hashtag techniques (#foodporn #yum #ooohpancakes).
WARNING: Do not post these “precious” images to Facebook as this will destroy your cover. Facebook is for old people. If caught doing so, leverage the excuse: “I’m sending them to my grandma. She loves sushi.”
Meanwhile, be sure to maintain constant phone vigilance, engaging in face-to-face conversation only when absolutely necessary (e.g., when your battery is low and you don’t have a power cord). However interesting the conversation or crowd, even the minor act of looking up too often will cast doubt on your behavioral legitimacy.
NOTE: If you are of an age where pee breaks must occur at fifteen minute intervals, consider other means of satisfying nature’s call (#handmethatbottle #manpampers).
The third critical element of your disguise is integrating selfies into all actions, regardless of the risk to yourself and others. This includes actives like flying an airplane (#wearegoingdown), surgery (#hewontstopbleeding), or saying goodbye to a dying loved one (#byefelicia). While this may not always be pleasant to your sensitivities, it is vitally important toward maintaining the authenticity of your lifestyle illusion.
WARNING: Do not advocate for privacy as it is a dead giveaway you are an imposter (#selfiequeen #selfieoftheday #doesthismakemybuttlookawesome).
Another essential technique is the proper application of Harry Potter references. Implementation requires:
Intimate knowledge of your Hogwarts house
NOTE: The right answer is always Gryffindor because no one cares about the other two “good” houses.
Proper leveraging of all stick-like utensils as “wands.”
Poignant analogies like “these pancakes taste like vomit-flavored, Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Beans” or “I’d rather be playing Quidditch.”
You will garner additional social value if hashtags and technological multitasking are also incorporated. For example, post a seemingly spontaneous picture to social media (not Facebook!) of pretzel sticks hashtagged #tastywands or #thepretzelchoosesthewizard.
WARNING: Calling someone a “Hufflepuff” when they view themselves as highly capable may start an impromptu #twitterfeud. Additionally, using “Slytherin” as a euphemism for undesirable personality traits can solicit aggression. Ultimately, your goal is to cultivate the belief you were raised in a similar mythological vacuum, and are thus able to provide your “peers” with the social reinforcement they require.
CRITICAL WARNING: Do not confuse Twilight with Harry Potter! Inadvertently substituting “Team Edward” or “Team (whatever the werewolf’s name is)” in place of a Hogwarts house (except maybe Hufflepuff) will likely lead to your immediate and furious removal from the social grouping. However, within a cohort of female Gen X-ers you will be immediately elevated to a status of importance, followed by book club invites. Leverage this intel carefully to achieve the desired effect.
One final point to ensure flawless camouflage is to avoid the use of emojis at all costs. This is advanced material and very difficult to master. Different subcultures and communities use emoji characters in very different ways. If it is vital to your Millennial sub-strata integration, please study Lesson 3: That’s Not Happy Pudding/Stop Screaming at Me in Emoji!
